Been There, Done That

A few nights ago, I shared a healthy meal of quinoa and curried lentils with my old friend, Joe, and my new friend, Virginia.
     --BTW, they are a 7 month new couple and I am tickled pink happy for them in their new happiness!--
As the three of us are writers, the evening naturally got a bit on the crazy side, cause you know how us writers get even more weird than usual when placed in the same room together. As a result of our three hour incarceration, a boastingly funny blog sprang out of our creative dinner conversation:

Things I Wish I Could Say, "Been there, done that," To:

1. Being in a shark cage. I didn't ask for clarification, but I am assuming that means that the sharks are outside of the cage and I am safe within. Guess I should have checked. Because with writers, maybe they wanted the full experience of being in a cage with the sharks. You know, for accurate literary description.  Hmmm.

2. Vegas. --How could a friend of mine, living only a few hours from Vegas, never have experienced the joy of a man-made, gambling mecca, that promotes decadence and greed? I mean, really.

3. Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Now, I have done this so I get to say 'been there'. Ha ha--I get to cross this off my To-Do in a life time list and you don't. Eat that, Virginia and Joe!

4. Open Mic. Okay, that scares me more than the time I went bungee jumping off the hot air balloon. Perhaps with a bit of Photoshop, I could fake my way through that one. I mean, what if people laugh at what I am putting out there? What if they don't laugh? Man, scary stuff.

5. Horseback riding in to Tibet and then getting your horse stolen. Unfortunately, even my lively brain could not have concocted that story. But it really  happened to Virginia. Wonder how you hitchhike out of a place that doesn't allow cars? Mystery I will have to solve before I steal away to my death bed.

6. Write New York Times Bestseller. Okay, not an original desire, but dang if we don't all share in that request.

7. Start revolution with Myanmar workers! Oh yes! Who is in with me on that one?! Not only could we overthrow the over-rich corrupt, meany pants, owners, we could hang out afterwards and have the best party EVER!

8. Break into the Louvre and steal a Monet. Any one know how to sell one on the black market?

9. Steal $27,013,540 from JP Morgan Chase and disperse the money by placing it into packages from the World Wide Relief Agency. Talk about a feel good, yummy day!

10. Get plastic surgery to impersonate a dictator and demand that all citizens dress and act like a Grimm fairy tale character. Who would you be? Oh, and start wearing a shoe on my head.

Next dinner together, we are going to spend the evening gossiping about movie stars and complaining about our jobs. You know, the usual.

Heather Leigh

10 Things I Would Rather Do

Someone very near and dear to me is getting medical treatment tomorrow. So as not to embarrass him, I won't reveal who he is. I will only say that he has known me since the day I was born and may have been a part of the how I got into this world.

And, so as not to further embarrass him, or reveal any touchy, back area issues, I will only say that the treatment involves a camera at the end of a wire/tube thing that goes up a private area in the butt region.

I amaze myself in my discretionary ways.

So, in tactful surrender to what he will be dealing with, here is the top 10 things we would rather be doing than get a colonoscopy:

10. Playing horseshoes in the desert with metal horseshoes, exposed hands, and no water.

9.  Lying in the sand, on a tropical island, under a palm tree, and having a coconut land on my head. (Don't laugh--this is actually more common than being attacked by a shark! Maybe we should start a coconut awareness group)

8.  Passing gas in front of the President at a presidential dinner after I won a literary award. Could happen.

7.  Being on a crowded passenger airplane, traveling around the world, with all bathrooms out of order. Oh, I can smell it now--oh, wait, that was my dog.

6.  Being cornered by a flock of geese with no way out, while holding the last bag of Twinkies left on the planet.

5.  Sleeping on a bed of nails with one of those crazy yogis.  I'm just not trained for that!

4.  Listening to an out of tune violin being played by a beginner, while laying on the bed of nails (see number five).

3.  Eating Lima beans, cooked carrots, bell peppers, and my son's gummy worms every day for six months--every meal.

2.  Sending a sensual love note to my partner but having it get sent to an ex-boyfriend by mistake--like one I most sincerely dislike, and who still likes me.

and the big one of all time at number one is:

1. Pretty much anything.

Love you Dad!
Oops, did I let that slip?

Heather Leigh

Crystal Clear Decision Maker

Wouldn't life be a whole lot more simple if we were each given an official crystal ball for high school graduation? One that:
     
       accurately portrayed what was going on anywhere in the world
       told us what magic was to come in our life
      answer any question--even ones google doesn't know
      tell us what to do to be happy
      show us how we would look with a new hair style
       give the best advice on what to do with our lives

I mean, why the heck don't we get one? What is up with this whole learn-as-you-go lifestyle we are leading? Who is in charge here? I demand to talk with the World Organizer who neglected something as simple as a life-defining crystal orb.

Hmmm, what would I ask my ball. Well, first thing would be what to have for dinner. After all of the meals that I have prepared for the years of having kids who eat on a daily basis (that is every day for umpteen years!), my new ideas are gone with the days of me being a size six. After that, I want a direct answer as to how to be a millionaire and I want that answer RIGHT NOW! No more waiting on that one.

What to do with the million dollars, I do not need the ball for. In my mind, it is already set on exactly what to do. The first thing being to book a cruise. The cruise would, of course, solve the dinner issue for a couple of weeks, as they provide meals.  Second would be to get a house and write and act like I've always been a millionaire.

But I would keep the ball around for such necessities as lottery numbers, clothing that makes me look like I still wear a size six, and how to achieve world peace in under a month. That should cover the main needs of my life.

Hmmm, and as an author, it would be fabulously wonderful to know which of my books will sale the most. Also, should I be writing more chapter books, children's picture books, or pre-teen novels. What is the best way to end my current story? Which character should die and who will be rescued? What is the most captivating, awe-inspiring start to my next creation? See, there are so many needs attached to a crystal ball.

Again, why don't we receive one with our diplomas? I spent 12 years in public schools and that is more than enough justification for being granted a personal fortune teller.

Well, I can say this for certain. My eldest son graduates next year. If things in this world are not organized enough for him to get a crystal ball with his diploma, someone is going to get a big talking to from me!

Heather Leigh

Ten Thankful Things

1. Having children has (almost) rid me of my ego. From the time they were wee little ones and would poke at the back of my legs and enthusiastically cry out, "Look Mom, you jiggle!", my boys did their best to ensure that I will never be vain. Love them boogers. Now that they are both teenagers, their combined eye rolls, sighs, and glares let me know that I am old, slightly stupid, incredibly slow, will never achieve any sort of wisdom within this life time, and laugh too loud at the movies. Thank the good lord for the gift of ego hacking children to protect me from all forms of self-centeredness.

2. Sydney, our Australian Shepherd, has helped me with redecorating, bathing the cats, and eating all of that pesky food that gets in the way of the kitchen counter. See, while I believe that the trash belongs under the sink in a bag, she knows that it looks WAY better spread across the dining room. Sydney, the darling, looks after the cats by licking them thoroughly everyday so that they are nice and clean. Although it is a bit gross to pet them when they are covered in dog spit, I know it must be keeping their coat extra shiny.  Finally, if left alone for too long, Sydney will do a bit of counter cleaning. It is so nice to come home and find any food that was left out (including opening glass jars with her teeth) is no longer something we need to worry about. Such a great dog we have.

3. Over the years, I have developed an intolerance to dairy products and wheat. And in this beautiful U.S. of A. there is almost no food that consists of cheese or bread. I mean, how often do you eat pizza? Almost never, huh? I mean, I like never miss Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Frozen Yogurt--a pint every Friday evening like I used to do. Or designer Kalamati Black Olive sourdough bread fresh from the bakery by our house.  Hmmm...never even think about it. Oh, and why is this on my thankful list? Because these food issues and my non-eating of them, has made me lose like a ton of weight. No seriously. I was getting a double chin and now I am back to high school pant size.

Okay, you caught me. I'm not exactly high school size, but really, pretty darned close.

4. After having lived in Central America, I am thankful for hot showers. No more needs to be added on that subject. Just think about going without for one second and you will know what I mean.

5. So, I believe that when I am in a bad mood, I attract people who are in a negative state. It's part of my spiritual beliefs, so just go with it for this one:
Thank you to the woman at the pool gym last week. While swimming my laps, she got into the lane I was sharing with another swimmer.  BIG NOTE: there were several lanes with only one person in them. Then she stood in front of my swimming path and proceeded to run in place. I had to stop swimming and stare her down for a good five seconds before she finally moved over. The bi**h.

So, a special thank you to her for letting me know that I was in a bad mood. I made sure I thought of a funny joke quickly to ensure that I was in a more positive state of being. Laughing under water was a bit difficult, though.

6. Thank you to my cats, Girl and Playful. They both know when to interrupt my writing time. Through their incessant meows/screams to be petted when they feel the need, I am never bogged down by pesky overwriting spells. It's like they both know when I am coming to a crucial moment in a story and don't want to forget anything my mind has latched onto. Because that is when they will inherently need attention. They are so good to me.  Keep my mind fresh and in the NOW.

7. Thank you for rainbows.

That's it. No really, I love those things.

8.  Thank you for the thousands of people who have read my blogs. If you are reading this now, consider yourself appreciated.

9. The Sound  Of Music is my all time favorite movie. If I don't watch it at least once a year, Julie Andrews will forget to pick up her nun hat in the opening scene. Remember? She almost leaves it behind, when she is caught up in the beauty of the mountains and bursts out in song and dance. I have to watch it to remind her. AND, I get to sing along with her and the Van Trapp kids and Christopher Plummer. I feel so useful and happy when I watch that movie.

10. Thank you to the thousands of people who have purchased my books. I mean, you guys really rock. What more can I add to that?

And the list goes on...

Thank you,
Heather Leigh

Remodeling My Vacation

Working at a luxury day spa, I am often privy to wealthy people's conversations. While most are happy, wonderful people, there are those who, well, like to complain. And the two most common complaints I hear are about their home remodeling job, and how this year's tropical vacation was NOT as good as last years.

Well, I can sympathize.

First off, when I do my own remodeling job at home, such as put a chair back in the dining room or replace a broken piece of tile, the job is just not that great. The chair either tiptoes back to its original place in the middle of the room, or the tile is cross-eyed backwards (don't ask me to explain what this means--you get the gist of it). Or, last year when I tried to paint over the rust in the bathroom sink, the white color didn't match anything the human eye has ever seen. And forget about the new futon in the living room. The cats have taken it over and won't share a single paw space.

And don't get me started on that last stay-cation.  Can you believe I had to park two blocks away from the beach and walk! Where is the free valet beach service in San Diego? Where are my tax dollars going? Then at the dog park when Sydney pooped on the grass, the people there looked at me like I was supposed to pick up her mess. What is this country coming to when I have to take responsibility for my own dog? Please, people, please.

Okay, and can we talk about house cleaning? Years ago, I sent my maid on vacation to Hawaii and she never came back. There is just no respect for employers anymore. But don't worry, when she comes back she will learn her lesson. I have not dusted or cleaned a single window since she left. I am letting the gunk build up for her to clean. That will teach her!

I have to leave now to get my son. While I'm gone, Sydney has agreed to clean things up a bit here. It's only fair after that dog park incident.  She said she is going to rearrange the trash onto the kitchen floor and put my bedspread into a new format. At least I can count on my dog to help me on remodeling and decorating. Now maybe the cats will start licking the walls clean like they do their fur. Oh, what a beautiful home we shall have!

Heather Leigh

Ego Bashing the Therapist

Today I am happy to report that I had my judgemental ego handed to me on a plate with a side of relish.  As somebody reading this may already know, my day job is Massage Therapist, working at a fancy day spa. In case there are those among you who have never fallen into the blissful trappings of a day spa, I will give a brief run-down of how things are done.

When you make an appointment for a massage, the time given is carved in stone. If you show up late, it is your time that is grabbed away from the minutes spent under the loving hands of a therapist. This has to do with scheduling and efficiency.

So, when clients makes an appointment for a 25 minute massage and waltz in 15 minutes late, well, you see where the complications arise.

When this happened today with a couple who my co-worker and I were to work on, we decided to relent and give way to going past the pre-set time. BUT, then the couple walked in slowly, ignored us therapists on the way to the massage room in order to discuss business, and gave an overall feeling of a lack of appreciation for our services and us as people.

My co-worker and I judged them to be inconsiderate and rude monsters.

But, we are in a giving, serving profession and gave the best massages in the 15 minutes we had available.

At the end of the massage, I escorted them to the relaxation lounge and got to chatting with them. Turns out they have seven girls and one boy ranging from ages two to seventeen years old. After a bit of freaking out on my part, the husband went on to joyously convey to me how much they loved their family life, how wonderful their children are, and how much love is shown between the siblings.

Gracious, how I had misjudged them. From just one sliver of information about two people who had a whole lifetime of personality outside of the 30 minutes that I had known them, I was excruciatingly quick in defining their character.

They were the world's nicest family! Right up there with Andy Griffith and the Brady Bunch. This is one of the few times that receiving an ego bashing was done peacefully. I got the message and was thankful.

Heather Leigh

Proud To Be Rotating The Earth

Our normally peaceful, on the verge of boring, home has been quite the busy place this month. My youngest son has been preparing his eighth grade portfolio, memorizing his scarecrow lines for the school's version of 'Dorothy In Wonderland', getting ready for the 8th grade end of the school year white water rafting trip, and competing in a ballroom dance competition. Wow! Did we really do all of that in one month? No wonder I'm tired.

The older one went to his girlfriend's prom, tonight his prom, finished up the end of the school year exhibition night projects, applied for summer jobs, is getting ready for college, and applied for a summer internship at the huge Aquarium center at at nearby university.

Whew! And they still have another week of school.

Doesn't it seem like nothing too crazy or much has happened in your life until you look back and think about what has been accomplished in your past few weeks? Does to me quite often. I like to look back at every day and reflect on what I did. Then the rushing around, or pure laziness, shines out as actual things taking place that our family was a part of. Takes away any guilt of having snuck in Mahjong on the computer when I should have been attending to this blog. Or watching 'The English Patient' for the umpteenth time with a mountain of laundry tumbling from my room straight into the hallway--blocking the way to the bathroom, for gosh sakes.

I rambled too long on what the boys did, so I will hold back from boring you with what things were crossed off my Forever Present, never quite done, LIST OF THINGS TO DO.

Not to get off this flowery yet in-depth subject of our family's May accomplishments, but I wonder what will happen to my LIST when I die? Surely, the world will stop spinning--or at the very least, wobble a bit. My list must be holding together something in this perfectly turning globe. Doesn't your list help the world spin more peacefully on its axis? Can't you feel the gentle hum of the rotating earth being moved along with more efficiency every time you cross something off of it. I sure do.

But now here is the really weird thing about that rotating earth and our connection with it through our lists...

No one, I mean, not one single person on this crowded planet, has ever thanked me for keeping their world in spinning harmony by ticking off another item on the LIST. How about you? Ever been thanked? Yeah, weird, huh? Its like they don't even know.

Well, that was enough time away from my list. If I don't get the vacuuming done, there may be a significant jolt in the planetary cycle just as people are sitting down to dinner. List crossing off may be a thankless job but some one has to do it. Might as well be us.

And thank goodness that the next generation is being trained on getting things done. Makes me feel a deep, unabashed part of the universal scheme of rotation to have produced two contributors to the revolving of the earth. Spin on, earth! I will get the dog washed and finish writing another chapter this weekend.

Heather Leigh