Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Witch Identity Are You?

Monday, I will no longer be a witch. After much deliberation and inner angst, I decided to get the wart at the end of my nose burned off. See, it started out rather small. A little bump on the nose. It made me laugh. I'd look at my mirrored reflection and think that my true inner identity had surfaced. That the outside world would know the truth. I would never have to say a thing. An unspoken, shared knowledge that I'm not human.

But then it got bigger, and now it's ugly. Time to let go.

Does this mean that I have to explain myself with each new person in my life? That they will have to be told that I'm not like them? That they are standing before a conjurer of magic and spells? The wart let us do away with such time consuming small talk.

Have you ever gone through this? Not the wart issue, but change your identity? The way people see you? Every time you start a new job, move to a different town, go to a party filled with strangers, they don't know the roles you play. They don't know that you are the damned most awesome player of Apples to Apples, love hip hop more than your teen, and had a movie star crush on RIP Alan Rickman. My god, strangers don't even know what your favorite tree is. So pitifully hard.

What did you do? Make an announcement in a local paper? That would be so much easier than telling every one in your new town all about yourself, especially if it is a major metropolis. Giving your about-me elevator pitch, face-to-face, to a million or so people could take time away from unpacking.

I suppose social media is the way to go on this one.

This summer, I anticipate moving to another county. My plan this time around is to make up my identity. Does the new crowd really need to know I am not the direct descendant of Joan of Arc? That I am a well known author, under a pen name they could never guess? That I won the Nicest Witch of the Year Award, three times in a row? Because, all of these could be true, or at least, close to it.

Behind me in the move, I will forsake my worst reputations. Not being an efficient weed puller, an embarrassing addition in Zumba classes, the habit of wearing pajamas on work-at-home days, and not knowing how to dust. Can't say how long it will take for neighbors to learn my failings, but at least I'll have a few months of respite.

What new identity are you going to take on? We could both be related to Einstein, and share his IQ. If you want to say you invented chocolate covered strawberries, I will send a Letter of Confirmation. Definitely pretend to be on the Witness Protection Program, then only hint at the reason.

Also, practice being a witch. Get the cackle down, eat suspiciously slimy foods, buy too many straw brooms, own a black cat. If acquaintances wonder if you could cast a curse, you can get just about whatever you want. So much easier than throwing an adult temper tantrum.

Be creative in your new self. Only share with me (and anyone else who reads the comments on this page). Have fun with the fresh face that is now you!

This wild elephant has a reputation for making kids laugh, and for being big, bold and beautiful.

Heather Leigh,
Witch with elephant sized attitude

Monday, October 16, 2017

Gluten Free Tree

Daddy-Oh sent a birthday card. Read the on going investigation below:
As Dad is quite aware of my dietary wayward ways, he assured me that the illustration of the cake on the cover was gluten-free. Whew. That was a relief to me, but I still wasn't convinced that I could partake in the full reading of the card.

Was the tree that supplied the paper raised in a GMO free, organic forest? Did it have a chance to spread it's branches, cage free, toward the sun? Were pesticides, fertilizers, or harmful methane gases used to enhance growth? Did the tree get to spend its formative years with mom and dad?

And what about the birds? Before the tree was chopped down, was a six week eviction notice given to any nest dwellers? It can take a long time to find the perfect new home for baby chicks.

Had the tree ever been in an accident--hurricane, tornado, flood, tsunami or earthquake? All of these directly effect the quality of the paper. I do want a prime card, in case I choose to re-gift, or sell it to a pawn shop.

After researching my birthday card to see if I can read the inside, I'm going to tackle another project: The Golden Rule. You know the one:
Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You

This one deceptive, sneaky line has screwed up our nation for long enough. It has been the cause of decades of re-gifting, gnawed away at millions of friendships, and wrecked marriages. Do you feel my pain? You will after I explain the monumental problem.

Others may not want what I want. Get it? The Golden Rule MUST change to:
Do Unto Others As They Want

For decades (almost five--I'm getting up there), I've received boxes of every kind of chocolate known to the human race. Everything from truffles to fruit covered to fudge, even divinity. I detest all of these. It seems to be a coincidence that the giver of the chocolate is passing along his or her favorite. And then, oops! They get to eat the contents of the box.

There is only one true love for me. And that is chocolate covered caramels (a few granules of sea salt topping is the only acceptable addition). If the Golden Rule had been written correctly, I would have wolfed down cases of fine cacao and processed sugar by this time.
--okay, now that I think about it, perhaps my waist line is better off with the old Golden Rule--

Does this one-sided giving practice sound familiar? Hit home in your experiences? Ever receive a gift perfect for anyone, but you? Don't persecute the giver. They"re only exhibiting the overwhelming influence of the ghastly Golden Rule.

Repeat after me: Oh Lord, I am ready. Ready to accept myself as worthy of the New Age Golden Rule.

Join me in starting a Protest Rally: Change the Golden Rule March. This will be viral by morning. Be ready to march by the weekend. 

Protest sign ideas:
Bull the Rule
Golden is Olden
Demand YOUR Chocolate

In the comment section at the end, be sure to add your Protest sign ideas.

Want world peace? Protect yourself by only reading healthy birthday cards, and accept the new version of the Golden Rule. Spread these messages to all of those connected to you. It is for the highest good of us all.

One last thing. Before you go around thinking that I am writing against liberal ideals, think again. I am one of those smug Hybrid car owners who shops organic, buys local, and recycles carrot juice containers. But, I'm also a firm believer in making fun of myself. Because if I don't, who will?

Want more of my luscious humor and snarky insight? 
It's all here in this romantic comedy novel. 

Heather Leigh,
Reader of lightly treading birthday cards.

Friday, September 22, 2017

How To Become A Cat. Whisperer

I am the caterpillar whisperer, owner of a syrup-high house for flies, and a patron of spiders.

Caterpillars cling to our house. Every Fall, the black-orange-black fuzzy crawlers return for a chance to be noticed by me. But, you argue, each year is a different generation. Correct. But the knowledge of my existence is passed from egg bundle to yearly bundle. Call it the genetic code of claspers.

How did I get my whispering title? From being their savior. Even with six eyes, caterpillars are almost blind. I have found them lying atop our outside trash can, on the side walk primed for a shoe squash, and in the crevices of my car's hatchback.

Ever so gently, I swoop up the cylinder puffs and drop them off on the nearest tree, bush, or popular green eating spot. In order not to spook the little ones, I quietly tell them about their new home. I can feel their pin headed minds relax as they know they are in a safe place. So over simply a few generations, I have become the venerated cat. whisperer. It's a beautiful thing.

Not being one to toot my own horn, I must also reveal that my car is sweeter than yours. We have the biggest Japanese maple tree in the 'hood, that drips down scraps of sap. It's broad branches and seasonally colored leaves cover most of the yard and driveway.

Plummeting sprinkles of tree sugar coat my moonglow painted hybrid. This scrumptious feast lures in flies and gnats. Insect addicts. It is a blessing that flies are not extinct. When I drive away in the morning, they are stuck to the car by their scrawny legs. It's a shameful way to die. Because if there is one thing the world needs more of, it's flies and gnats.

The birds are so pleased with the flies hanging out that they crap in excitement. My fortunate car is adorned every morning with fresh droppings from the excited birds. The animal kingdom simply is smitten with every aspect of my being.

After my joy of being a mom, cat whisperer, and fly drug pusher, I am a spoiler of spiders. It's the webs that fascinate me. Each one unique, efficient, and architecturally amazing. Spiderwebs serve as home, traps, and food containers. Spiders remake them every day.

Gazing at the corner ceiling art, I am mesmerized. Tell me of any other artist who has that skill. The many-legged never even attend web design classes.

What right do I have to destroy fine art?

So spiderwebs have to be rather old, bedraggled and disgusting before I ever have the heart to destroy them. I'm guessing that the spider appreciates their solo admirer, as there are many webs about our house. What animal doesn't love a fan?

Yes, they call me the Cat. Whisperer, and many other names.

Want to read more about brave, intelligent girls? This one is only three inches high:

Heather Leigh,
Lover of the forsaken

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

The People of California Versus Me

In the Superior Court of California, The People are against me. At least, that's what this court document claims. Wow. Talk about pressure. For those of you non-CA natives, who don't know of my transgression, I hang my head in shame and admit to:

Exceeding the max speed limit of 65 miles per hour.

Crawling out my front door, slithering out to my car, I can see the neighbors seething in their loathing. I know they hold protest signs behind their own front doors, waiting for the chance to flash their hate-filled words:
You committed a crime
We are all against you
We are a unified state protesting your existence

The children hold stones, women finger kitchen knives, men swirl batons, all carry loaded guns. Attack is a steaming, simmering vapor, putrid and overshadowing. One too many unscooped dog poops, and violence will fill our once peaceful streets.

You might try to convince me that I'm being paranoid. That the document on my desk doesn't really mean the population of California citizens are all judging me. Out of state friends tell me the same thing. They say that I'm being vain, swelling my head, believing that the most populous state in the U.S. is focused against me. That's over thirty-five million people. Everyone of them talking about my crime over dinner, on coffee breaks, twitter and facebook.

But you can't deny the truth. Not only do I have the document right here on my desk, there is also the neighbor's dog. He has a new collar, but the old one was fine. What other reason could there be that he got a new one, if not that it hides a camera.

My family thinks the pooch prefers our yard for pooping. Shows their ignorance of the obvious. The camera is aimed at me to see what crimes against humanity I'll commit next. If I'm susceptible to overlooking a speedometer, and barrel down the mountainside as fast as a Toyota Prius can go, then I could be plotting just about anything. There are no alternative facts. 

I've tried to leak the result of my case to the media. It was dismissed for lack of prosecution. But the only reason I escaped a life time in prison, is because  the issuing officer failed to show up for the traffic case. I could still be guilty. The media could do me no good, even if they weren't fake. 

Before I can seek to beg forgiveness from my compatriots, I have to forgive myself. But this is exceedingly difficult. I was descending a mountain, didn't pay attention to the speedometer for a few moments, and barreled downward at over seventy miles per hour. 

I'm certain that the officer who cited me had no idea that this is a frequent occurrence on that steep mountainside. There is no way he purposely hid in a place where this infraction was common. That would be entrapment, which is illegal. It's just sheer coincidence that he was located in that spot with a radar gun pointed at the passing cars.

The only thing I can do now is hours of volunteer work, be kind to my neighbors, recycle, and keep my lawn mowed and green. Anything and everything to win back the trust of the People of the State of California.

Maybe I should play the lottery. When I win, I could share the earnings with CA residents. Bribery always works to prove innocence.

I just looked out the window. The birds must also have learned of my wayward ways. Their crap is on my car windshield. Punishment for my sins.

If you have even an inkling of sympathy for my plight, please post a few encouraging words in the comment box below. It would help me get through these dark days.

My only hope is that someone else in California will commit a grievous, heinous act, like jay walking. Then perhaps the eyes of the People will move past me once again. For now, I must endure my fifteen minutes of fame. Thank you for reading these ramblings of an almost felon. 

The one thing I'm proud of in my shame-filled days, my debut novel.
It's pretty darned good and funny:

Heather Leigh,
The criminal writer

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

The Better Cow

WARNING!!! This post is written with the aim of displaying the sheer stupidity of racism.
No cows were harmed in the making of this blog.

When I was a child, my uncle David took on a summer job across the country. He decided to backpack home across the Appalachian Mountains. He vanished for six months. His parents were struck down with worry. The entire family put together an extensive search for the beloved young man. And then, after a half year of no signs of his whereabouts, David stumbled into the front yard of his home.

Uncle David refused to say a word of what happened. The family was overjoyed to receive him, they didn't pressure him for answers. Decades later, as he lay dying, he finally told his story.

 In the middle of those mountains, after many gloomy, rainy days, David resigned to his predicament. He was lost.

"A lost soul is a vulnerable, impressionable thing," he whispered.

Living off beetles and moss, he made off in the distance, the welcome sounds of mooing cows. Certain that he would find ranchers attached to those animals, he grappled his way toward the noise. By the time he climbed a final rise in the mountain, he stumbled from the shock of what he discovered. An entire herd of orange cows.

He had found the secret to why cheddar cheese is orange.

Collapsing beside a bright orange calf, a rancher saved his life. As he was wakening from his weakened state, David overheard the rancher's children talking about him. Seems his bright orange hair had been his saving grace. Anyone with cheddar coloring on their head, must be a heavenly being. Someone above all others.

He was weak, exhausted beyond belief. The ranchers fed him bits of cheese to bring him back to health. He discovered that the only way out of the orange cow ranch was through dangerous hiking. He must stay until he could make the trip.

In the months that he was there, he learned many things. First, and foremost, was that orange is a superior color. It is better than every other color in the rainbow. So much so, that the ranchers had SOP, Superior Orange Power, tattooed to their right buttock.

After awhile of being around the colored cows, David came to believe in this way of thinking. The cows were perfect. They held themselves a bit higher than other cows he had seen. They grazed with somber distinction, mooed in smooth, deep harmony, even pooped bigger and sturdier pies. Just a few reasons why they could not be segregated with other, ordinary cows.

The ranchers considered themselves lucky to be able to serve these god-like creatures. They would have done it, even without the profits of the special cheese. The money made went toward the well-being of the four-leggeds. The plushest grass, filtered water, daily rub downs, everything that could be done to spoil the creatures was done with awe and gratitude. They were slaves to higher beings.

Having become a convert to the thinking of the ranchers, David joined them on daily bowings to the orange cows. He was never allowed to touch one, though. One must be born into the family of orange cow caregivers to be given that right. The only thing he could do was convince them to tattoo his right buttock with the SOP insignia.

When he was finally able to leave, he gave praise and thanks to the cow for its existence. David knew the world was a better place because of them.

The ranchers blindfolded David, and led him out of the mountains. They filled his backpack with the orange dairy food, and sent him home on a bus. As instructed, he never revealed his story, the secret to where orange cheddar comes from. But in his heart, he always knew that one color could be better than another.

As he has been gone for many years now, I am writing his tale. Please don't tell anyone else what I have told you. I would fear for my family if 'they' knew of my knowledge.

Heather Leigh,
There is no such thing as a white or black race. The only thing blood tests can tell you is ancestral areas.
The orange cows may be true, though. Couldn't possibly be made with red and yellow food dye.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Love Those Grandmas

What is it about hanging out with Grandmothers that is so damned inviting? Is it the calmness, tranquility, the consistency of their lifestyle? Playing cards, reading the paper, making cookies, coleslaw or daily dinners? The healthy, home cooked meals are always a delight. And who doesn't love having someone who thinks everything you do is a miracle?

Maternal Grandma taught me to eat peaches over the sink, scramble eggs just so, and how to fold a fitted sheet. She thought I was a genius chess player. Never did she realize that the secret to so many of my winnings, were a direct outcome of her revealing every one of her maneuvers, as she stated them out loud. She was too absorbed in the game, to notice that she was constantly revealing her strategy. As she passed over a decade ago, she'll never know that I'm a barely passable chess player. Anyone heading to heaven before me, please don't let her know. It still feels good to my ego, pretending that I am a family champion player.

I wear her wedding ring on my right pinkie. Could be my overly inventive mind, but it still holds her energy. When I do something stupid, it's a link to a vision of her shaking her head, telling me to be good. When I shut up and listen, I can hear her wise advise. Like always see the woman before the make up; the ultra classic: if you don't have something nice to say about another person, then just don't say anything; and in order for love to be real, it must be reciprocated. Do people still talk like that?

Paternal Grandma is still kicking up a storm. Albeit a slower storm. Okay, maybe like a light mist of a storm. But her spirit, mind and direct, honest words will never slow down a beat. She is one of the Oklahoma immigrants from the Dust Bowl in Steinbeck's 'Grapes of Wrath'. A childhood of extreme poverty is something too painful for discussion with me, memories she shies away from.

 I don't believe I ever had the privilege of wondering what she's thinking. It always comes out in blunt, tactful, honest conversations. Pre-navy days, before my ears were accustomed to dirty jokes, she could bring a blush to my cheeks with her good-natured humor. She taught me that growing old pertains to the body, not the attitude of it's owner.

She, too, thinks I am a much better person than I really am. Although she is quick to complain that she has used up more than one address book, trying to keep up with my many moves. Next one I make, I'm going to mail her a new book, with a box of pencils and big erasures. No use denying my traveling spirit. Even a Grandmother can't hold me to a city.

Her biggest wish now is being able to dance with her husband. They were quite the earth shattering, dance duo, not long ago. Simple love like that is not to be brushed away.

Today's life style is much more hurried than theirs was. We all have built in, life stressors, just different ones with each passing decade. But spending time talking face to face was a norm. Seeing the other person's reactions to your words could not be deleted. Appreciating times of laughter was not done with an lol. You got to see it happen. In fact, those are my best memories of being with both grandmothers. Sharing a laugh.

Think I'll have to bake some chocolate cookies and reflect some more on the blessings of grandmothers. I'll be sure to bake them on the top oven rack, as taught to me by Grandma.

Moving advice from the expert, as accused by Grandma:

Heather Leigh,
Admirer of Grandmothers

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Popcorn Pushing Addict

I am addicted to that villein of snack foods, the white puffy crunchy, the fiber filled phantom--popcorn. It ain't a pretty thing. In recent years, I've managed to cut back, allowing myself one daily bowl. Sundays, a less stress day, I am able to stave away the crave.

I have to be careful of my consumption level. It is the eighteenth leading cause of death among middle-aged writer moms in the Pacific Northwest. Nothing to be laughed off as a fluke.

It gets worse. I force it on my vulnerable family. For gosh sake, our youngest is only sixteen! Not even a high school graduate. How's he expected to get through life with any chance at a pursuit of happiness? What kind of mother am I?

Even now, between sentence writing, I'm munching away. Why, why, why?! You demand of me. I'll confess my inner turmoil. I'm caught between the love of the popped kernel, and the seasoning that I've developed over the years.

Every kernel is unique as a snowflake, a child's temper tantrum, the honesty of a top politician. Who knows what shape that will be bowing it's belly to my harsh teeth? My curiosity grows with every mouthful.

Don't think that I'm your common addict. My taste buds scoff at the microwave version. No, for me it is the specialized popcorn pan, the jolly fat one that takes in a table spoon of olive oil, and half a cup of kernels. With the temperature just so, I rotate the handle and await that sound of pop! pop! pop!

As the last kernel is transformed to greatness, and quiet has been restored to the kitchen, I tip the contents of the pot into the waiting bowl. I must warn you, never leave it longer. Smokey fumes may harm the delicate flavor of our waiting treat.

In the not so distant past, melted butter would now be lovingly poured. But thanks to the son of the addict, we have switched to warm coconut oil. I shouldn't be pushing this, but you have to try it. Tastes better than the dairy drizzle.

Next comes the seasoning. This has taken years of trial and error to master. Yet, I am still open to trying new recipes. I'm just big like that. There is no pre-making of the seasoning. Every member of our family likes it a bit different. As I know the importance of the perfect bowl, each person gets their custom topping.

***Recipe seasoning at end of post. Yey for you!***

My real question is this. If I am arrested for my exploitation of the youngsters in my house, is popcorn served in prison? I suppose they are required by law. The Constitution does mention something about no cruel or unusual punishment for horribly self-destructive prisoners.

The one hope I have when discovered by Johnny Law, is that my boys are given a chance at life through rehab. They shouldn't be forced to join a gang, or become a drug-dealing popcorn pusher. Only I should be the one to suffer. Please, readers, have a heart and pray for my kids. Let me be the martyr, not them.

Another option I see for them, is to market my popcorn seasoning. Funds from sales could send them to some obscure South American country. Keep them out of harms way from their addicted, wayward mother. I just hope they remember the happy times we had--before my addiction loomed so huge it took over our lives.

Another addiction of mine? Writing oh so funny books about the boy with the elephant living in his back yard. I've written more than even I can remember (six, actually). Please, I beg of you, check them out. Facing the dragon of addiction with another will help in my healing process:

Heather Leigh,
Popping the addiction curse.

Popcorn seasoning recipe: 
half a packet of taco seasoning
1/4 cup of Italian seasoning
1/2 teaspoon of salt.
Mix and sprinkle some over popped corn. Amount of everything varies with taste. 
We have also enjoyed: red pepper seasoning, Tajin, a bit of lemon pepper. Make it your own. But don't hold me responsible when you, too, become an addict.