Wednesday, August 24, 2016

WIne Writer Research

I just finished a research study and here are my conclusions:

1. When wine is drunk in half servings, the recipient gets just as tipsy as if it had been full servings. Who knew? Totally unexpected.
2. Know matter how much of an emotional roller coaster your day was, wine puts the brakes on your ride. As long as you stop at several half servings (see #1), the evening will be much better.
3. The belief that chocolate covered caramels have a direct correlation to an increase in waist size is incorrect. It is your belief that makes this so--not the candy. This comes directly from the teachings of Jesus, Gandi, and Bacchus, the god of wine and good times.

These are all legit because:
1. I had a case research group consisting of one (that would be me, of course) and that is more than enough to prove any point.
2. It is on the internet, so it must be true.
3. I am a really, really, really smart scientific writer.

My current research study:
Is it better to drink Cabernet while making dinner, eating it, or after getting home from soaking in the gym jacuzzi? More study needed.

As I have recently discovered a preference to Pinot Noir, another study will soon be conducted with this wine. See number one and two of the conclusion list.

Whew, these studies are wearing me out. Guess I had better not go to Pilates tomorrow. It will be much better for my health if I go for pie and lattes instead.

In reading this over, I am amazed at the intensity and focus that I devote to ensuring that the reading public is served with honesty and accuracy. My college Science teacher would be so proud that I have gone beyond trying not to cheat to pass her tests, to being a fellow colleague. Yes, I have come a long way, baby.

The other thing that I need improvement on is my choice of co-workers. Today, I undertook my main assignment in life: to assist people in the art of laughter. My tools were a cupcake brought in by the manager, a cup of plums, paper and pen. While the manager was at lunch, I hid her cupcake in a very safe, incredibly mysterious area. In it's place, I placed a cup of plums and a note: HELP! I've been kidnapped and hidden in... (a description of the room would go here. Since you have never been in that room, no use describing it to you).

Any who, when the manager returned, one of my prank-killing co-workers asked her if she had seen the cupcake. She completely ruined the prank!!! Now the manager knew something was going on. Why was the co-worker not fired?! Or, at least tarred and feathered. Where is the justice in this world? Her actions are not Making America Great Again.

So what do I do now? I am obviously a scientific wonder with wine research, but am unable to find a way to severely punish prank-destroyers.

Guess I had better drink another glass of Pinot Noir and muse on what to do save my mischievous nature from being crushed by tattle-tellers.

Heather Leigh,
Enjoyer of Wine and Pranks

Monday, August 8, 2016

Hair And Jobs

Several months ago, my hairstylist talked me into an almost, double-layered bob that cuts just above the chin level. And I look like a young European! It has completely changed my personality. Fashion questions? Hit me with them. I am ready to tell you which infinity scarf goes with those ripped, faded, pre-creased skinny jeans. Going from the opera to the local diner? Let me set you up with silver bangles and bling-bling  pumps.

Okay, I can't even fake it. Even with my fashionable hairdo, I am not your swag stylist. It is pure luck and a good day if I can figure out which tee-shirt won't make a mockery of my skirt of choice for the day.

In the words of some great philosopher, 'Know Thyself'. As I know that putting clothes together that my teenagers are not embarrassed by, is beyond my brain waves, I strive toward other talents. The talent that I yearn to have is to be a great, or at least an eighth of a grain of some of my favorite authors, writer.

If that ever proves to be un-doable, I feel a need to make a list of day jobs to be ready to fulfill. Hmmm. How about:

Writer's desks are notoriously messy. It makes us more creative. I am willing to come to your house, and decorate it in the Writer Mode. This includes at least two empty, dirty mugs, several notepads with halfway-started story ideas, three flung open thesaurus', and five dust collecting, figurines believed to radiate plot lines. For an extra charge, I will throw in a back scratcher and scalp massager.

For those lucky work-at-home types, I will choose the pets that will best interrupt your work. This could be anywhere from a cat that knows how to fling himself across your key board, to a chinchilla so cute you have to stop and watch it jump and do flips every fifteen minutes. I'll even bet I could  train a dog to press her paw on the keyboard delete button and destroy the work you spent an entire morning on. Challenges in the work place keep us on our toes, and cause us to be better workers.

Are you an office worker? Every Friday, I will come to your work place and set all clocks in the building ten minutes ahead. You'll avoid rush hour traffic and be home sooner! This is a must have service that helps not only you, but co-workers as well. It can be your anonymous gift to the world.

Wow. Three great ideas. And here I was thinking that I was going to be stuck in the profession that gives me complete bliss, and serves as my creative outlet for the rest of my life. Whew. Thank goodness I can rest easy tonight. I can do anything I want.

When you are ready to hire me for my three new professions, please drop me a message on FaceBook. Of course, I am working on the the revisions of my latest Scout and Ellie book, so it might be a bit before I get back to you.

But when I do return your job request, let's do it by Skype. You just have to see my new 'do.

Have a great work day!

Heather Leigh,
Creative Genius In Job Ideas