Monday, February 19, 2018

Changing Everything, Every Minute

We live in one of those places in which weather changes vary by the hour, or sooner.

This Sunday morning, I was woken by sunlight pummeling into my eyes. Mmm, a delicious day of warm weather. No, it was simply a morning tease. During breakfast and Sunday morning paper, the sliding glass door into the back yard lawn bounced off a noisy hailstorm. An hour later, back to sun time. By lunch, a windstorm had broken out which set the ravens scrambling for control of their own flight path, gray clouds knocked out the sun. Shift back to sunlight by midday. Presently, light wind, swaying branches, sprinkles and light gray clouds as the backdrop. Overnight weather report calls for possible snow.

What if other activities in life followed this chaos? The most obvious one for amusement would be our emotions. From storm to sunlight within one meal. Mix this with every one at the dinner table on their own emotional timetable.

You could be in rollicking humor when your sister shifts into rage and flings the hot gravy in your face. Dad could hail down a lecture on animal rights while Mom sobs hysterically over a magazine article on human trafficking she read last month.

What about your City Transportation Manager? Say you were driving smoothly along the highway when the tarmac changed into gravel, then dust. Then a field of daffodils. You would need an SUV to get through the forest path, and back to a cleared tarmac.

At the local grocers, you could enter into an aisle of fresh produce, walk to the back to fetch a serving of salmon for the night's dinner, and decide you wanted a lemon to top off the fish. But by the time you returned to the vegetable section, it had transformed into a candy aisle. Only Lemonheads or gummy worms available to add flavor to your salmon.

Oh, and this would be fun. How about if your hairstylist decided to change your do in mid cut? You may have requested a light trim, but she decided that a bald scalp would be more attractive. Would you buy a wig or a hat after that, or show off your beautiful head?

What about those crazed writers? Suppose we started out with a mystery novel, and decided midway through to write a children's book. You would never know who done it.

At the end of all this musing, I am thankful that few things in life are as variable as the Pacific Northwest daily weather patterns. After all, us locals have become accustomed to dressing in layers, with a jacket stashed in the trunk of the car. That makes for a livable, practical way to get through a barometer of wild outlashings, and up and down displays. And then there is the beauty of this place. A salve for every picnic destroyed with a sudden downfall of rain.

Heather Leigh,
your steadfast and true author

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Buy A Cleaning Book, Save Me

I have a vital need. I abhor cleaning my house, tidying my desk, and doing the dishes every freaking night. So, I have devised an extremely clever plan to do away with these offensive tasks. I am going to hire a house cleaner.

But, obviously, I need your help. By midnight, on whichever day you happen to be reading this, it is essential to universal peace and harmony that you buy at least one of my books. One hundred percent of profits will be directed to my aversion to being the cleaner. I will become the cleaned.

Won't you help me in my campaign?

It's a win-win. I get out of scrubbing, and you get a fabulous book. The bonus is that I will stop whining about having to sweep, mop or dust.

Hey, if everyone contributes, there will be money left over. I could buy something of yours. No promises on my part. I have to be smitten with what I buy. But if you sell chocolate covered sea salt caramels, well, you may just be a shoe-in to win.

As I have no experience in hiring outside cleaning help (my sons are an inside job), send your advise on how to get a good cleaner. Is there a place they  hang out, waiting to be lucky enough to wipe a window? Shopping mall store with a legion of feather dusters lined up and ready to work?

Do they lurk in dark rooms, waiting do emerge like a ladybug from a chrysalis holding a mop bucket?

Have you ever experienced a professional cleaning in your own home? Is it scary? Do you get kicked out into the rain, sleet and snow wearing only a thin bathrobe as your home is turned from glop to gleaming?

Now, is this practice of hiring out something that neighbors view as gossip worthy, or could they care less? Will I be pointed at, snickered at, spit upon? Will they start to think of me as trash, worse than what the cleaner throws out from the kitty box? I'm guessing that at the very least, I will be scorned as the one who could not even wipe their own toilet seat.

And if I can't wipe my own seat, what else will I not be able to wipe? I could be on the verge of a total break down in morals. Next, it could be paying someone else to mow the lawn, vacuum out my car, taking out the weekly trash.

How many of you have stooped so low? Are you looking down at me with the virtuous air of someone who does all of their own cleaning? Uggh, please readers, give me guidance.

But really, my fear of cleaning far out paces the negative backlash that will inevitably come from hiring out for help. Yes, no matter how bad it gets, I need to stop wiping out my sink.

Please, help me. Fund my just cause. Buy a book.

Heather Leigh,
Horrible House Cleaner