Friday, December 23, 2016

Universal Animal Questions

There are two main universal questions about animals, neither of which will likely ever be completely answered:
First Question Are the tree frogs in our front yard croaking solo or in harmony?
     Solo Argument: There can be only one frog singing at a time. Each with his unique and lively, yet throaty voice. A rhythm that surges out from his soul and speaks to the heart of his listeners. Frog worlds do not include back-up singers. Each frog has his daily fifteen minutes of fame.

Of course, there is an orchestrator. A Froggy Director who ensures that there is no pause between the fifteen minute performances. She points her grass blade wand to the next Croaker right on cue, every time. Frogs are in flow with the bliss of the moment. There has never been a mistake made on timing, in the history of frogs. It is a beautiful thing.

     Harmony Argument: Darwin taught us that evolution has brought us a race of Super Singers who are able to croak in unison. Anyone who cannot detect that the noises collected are several at once, do not deserve their own listening skill. After millions of generations of green creatures practicing their talents every morning, harmonizing has become tadpole play.

From the first time that tadpoles wag their tails, they are a part of the rhythm of their heritage. Her body rolls instantaneously along with the Great Vibration of Froggydom. At the moment that the throat is put together within the growing animal, and croaking has been made possible, the tadpole takes her place among her 'peeps'. What is a Mystery to us humans, is a reality to the frogs. It is really that simple.

Second Question Which dog is moving our couch to the middle of the room every day while we are gone?
     Recently, we lost our much beloved Australian Shepherd, Sydney. She was the last dog that I will ever have as a companion.

--Oh, excuse me. I was interrupted by our two puppies. They came for a quick chat. Daisy, weighing in at eighty-five pounds is a St. Bermastiff, half St. Bernard and the rest Bull Mastiff. Morris at a full sixteen pounds, including that white, curly, fluffy fur, is a mixture of Maltese and Mutt.

Favorite game for rain, mud, puddle season? Chase-Around-The-Backyard-Perimeter. The goals include:
hitting maximum mud, being the first through the doggy door, spreading dirt all over the house.
Taking turns in the chasing is a must in the quest for fair play and sportsdogship.

The end of each Round is accomplished in a leap to the sofa, pushing with all of that canine might.

So the question remains: Is it Daisy or Morris who is pushing the furniture around like a bag of dog treats? We don't even have an argument as to which one it could be. A complete and total mystery on all accounts. Maybe a professional movie camera would be able to record the details of their leaps, and we could analyze the video and figure it out. Until then, we are stumped.

Oh well, at least we are entertained.

So this holiday season, please think of the universal animal questions. Perhaps you will come to a conclusion and answer the unanswerable.

Happy Holidays!

Heather Leigh,
Human Amongst Animal Attitudes

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Ravens On AODD

I have AODD. Whew, now that I have admitted my failing, I am feeling so much better. Relief off the old burden box shoulders.

Oh, now you need me to explain to you what my previously hidden issue is. Attention Over Drive Disorder: there are too many story possibilities to possibly stay focused. On anything.

For example, what the zumba dance teacher was doing this morning. How was I supposed to follow along with anything? I was being bombarded with how to write a funny blog about being consistently one half a step behind every one else in the class.

That kids book about the mini person and the raven that I wrote? Well, that came through at a traffic light. That world famous one--the left turn signal that we parents ran smack against Monday through Friday  mornings at the charter school. It gave ample time for reflection with a light that let about five cars go through every five minutes. Hmmm. I still remember those fun mornings.

Anyhow, there were pepper trees along the sidewalk. Now most people would have been spending their time doing something productive, like slurping coffee or screaming at the kids to be quiet. But the AODD afflicted are stuck with forcing these events into a story.

I could barely pay attention when it came my turn to inch forward. There were too many things to think about: designing a home for Piper, her personality, what mini people living on a Pepper Tree would eat, and whether or not she would be eaten by the raven.

How could I be expected to drive? Pay attention to the road? Hah, that is for those medicated people who can manage a normal thought. And writers have yet to be drugged up by pharmaceutical companies for our disease. Our issues have not even been addressed by the medical establishment. Probably because they are afraid we would write something silly about them in our next blog. Which is most likely accurate.

Back to zumba. Whoever thought up a cardio workout in which you actually have to pay attention? That dancer dumb-dumb probably could not even write a complete paragraph. Let alone an entire story.

Now, I am not just saying this so that I feel okay with myself for not being able to keep up in a gym class. This is all scientific, easy-to-prove fact. If it were not for my writing induced brain, I would be Queen of the Zumba World. So true.

I could do more scientific research, but our puppy just trotted in. That curly furred cutie is dripping with story what is it like to wear a fur coat 24/7? Why do they like humans to such an irrational level? What would happen if dogs could suddenly see in color?

Can't write anymore. Too much crowding into my brain to focus. Dang puppy.

Heather Leigh,
First Person To Come Out About Her AODD