Sunday, August 31, 2014

A Day Like This

Now, I am probably the only one who has had a day like this, so I have to share my incredibly unique experience ( a creative writing teacher told me that we cannot have incredibly unique experiences--it's either unique or it is not. There is no adjective or adverb that applies to that word. So in my using the expression, you know this is truly a unique situation).

As a massage therapist, my job is physically demanding. And this is Labor Day weekend, as in it was REALLY busy. The massages I've done for the past week have become a blur in my mind of bodies and backs and sore muscles and trying to be friendly to all the clients when I am about ready to push them off the massage table and tell them it is my turn.

And so, when I got home this afternoon, I called my friend to cancel my appearance at her BBQ. My intention was to stay  home, relax, read, eat popcorn, and get to sleep early for another busy day tomorrow.  WEELLLL, as I sat on my couch, I realized that I could not relax with the living room looking so messy. So I put my things away.

Then I thought I would lie down for a bit and read, but saw that my sheets were covered in dog and cat fur. Leaving early this morning, I had forgotten to cover the bed with the spread. That translates to laundry time.

Then I remembered that my son had told me when I was at work that the toilet had overflowed. Another translation: clean bathroom floor, cat box in which toilet water and spilled into it, and get to use the new mop. Since I had all the cleaning tools out, might as well freshen up the other bathroom floor, right? Oh, and the kitchen floor as well. This process also included dumping out two cat boxes and cleaning them in the laundry room.

By now, I am really really hungry. But the kitchen is a mess. What does that translate to? You got it, clean the kitchen.

The consequences of this busy day is that my house is clean enough to tolerate, but not enough to pass any kind of inspection. But, yummy times, the kitchen can be used. This brings me great joy because now I get to cook my own dinner.

Good thing I skipped that BBQ where my friend would have cooked my meal for me and I could have sat in a chair, relaxed and met new people. Wow, I feel refreshed!

Heather Leigh

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Searing Bird Questions

Ever watched a pigeon walk? They jut their heads forward with each step. So, what I have always wondered is this: if a pigeon were to have a popsicle stick tied to its neck so that it could not move its head forward, would it be able to walk?

PLEASE NOTE: This is a question to ponder. Please, please, please do not go around tying popsicle sticks to the necks of the poor little pigeons. That would be mean, and bad, bad, bad karma.

Okay, next bird question. This one will be readily understood by those of us who frequent beaches with an abundance of seagulls. How do seagulls know which bags carry Cheetos and Doritos?--because those seem to be the chip of choice. Is it the bright orange packaging? Are they not color blind? Can they smell through plastic packaging?

And is there a school in which they teach their young how to unzip backpacks, open picnic baskets, and pry open boxes of cookies? Or is this a genetic skill?

Following this discussion: Why are tourists at the beach not given a class in how to seal their food properly, in order to avoid seagull rampages while they are playing in the water? I mean, for goodness sake, Locals, those tourists are spending their money in our town.

But who am I to talk. After years of running off seagulls from tourist food pillaging, I have lowered myself to sitting back and watching the show. It is amazing to see those birds in action; how quickly they can attack and devour entire meals in mere moments.

Well, I'm not that cruel. After a while, I will send my son over to scare them away.

And now we get to the raven. Are they not the Bad Boys of the neighborhood? The way they have that strut down with their puffed up chest and bad attitude walking. I'll bet all the girl birds have a secret 'thing' for the raven.

Why do doves of peace make me feel peaceful when I see them?

Are geese and attack dogs related?

Once I saw a crane eating a baby duckling. Does this mean cranes are cannibals?

Why is it that watching turkey vultures soaring in circles in a group, evoke a calm, peaceful feeling within, when we know very well what they are about to do?  As in, they are stalking an animal about to die, and then eat the dead carcass. Yuck!

Why are pelicans so funny looking? Did they mess with the God of Jokes and Laughter before they appeared on Earth? Is he getting them back with those huge, freaky throat/chin things? They must have done something really crazy to inherit that body part.

Thank you for any information you folks can provide on my questions. Feel free to reply on my facebook if you have any answers for me.

Heather Leigh

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Been There, Done That

A few nights ago, I shared a healthy meal of quinoa and curried lentils with my old friend, Joe, and my new friend, Virginia.
     --BTW, they are a 7 month new couple and I am tickled pink happy for them in their new happiness!--
As the three of us are writers, the evening naturally got a bit on the crazy side, cause you know how us writers get even more weird than usual when placed in the same room together. As a result of our three hour incarceration, a boastingly funny blog sprang out of our creative dinner conversation:

Things I Wish I Could Say, "Been there, done that," To:

1. Being in a shark cage. I didn't ask for clarification, but I am assuming that means that the sharks are outside of the cage and I am safe within. Guess I should have checked. Because with writers, maybe they wanted the full experience of being in a cage with the sharks. You know, for accurate literary description.  Hmmm.

2. Vegas. --How could a friend of mine, living only a few hours from Vegas, never have experienced the joy of a man-made, gambling mecca, that promotes decadence and greed? I mean, really.

3. Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Now, I have done this so I get to say 'been there'. Ha ha--I get to cross this off my To-Do in a life time list and you don't. Eat that, Virginia and Joe!

4. Open Mic. Okay, that scares me more than the time I went bungee jumping off the hot air balloon. Perhaps with a bit of Photoshop, I could fake my way through that one. I mean, what if people laugh at what I am putting out there? What if they don't laugh? Man, scary stuff.

5. Horseback riding in to Tibet and then getting your horse stolen. Unfortunately, even my lively brain could not have concocted that story. But it really  happened to Virginia. Wonder how you hitchhike out of a place that doesn't allow cars? Mystery I will have to solve before I steal away to my death bed.

6. Write New York Times Bestseller. Okay, not an original desire, but dang if we don't all share in that request.

7. Start revolution with Myanmar workers! Oh yes! Who is in with me on that one?! Not only could we overthrow the over-rich corrupt, meany pants, owners, we could hang out afterwards and have the best party EVER!

8. Break into the Louvre and steal a Monet. Any one know how to sell one on the black market?

9. Steal $27,013,540 from JP Morgan Chase and disperse the money by placing it into packages from the World Wide Relief Agency. Talk about a feel good, yummy day!

10. Get plastic surgery to impersonate a dictator and demand that all citizens dress and act like a Grimm fairy tale character. Who would you be? Oh, and start wearing a shoe on my head.

Next dinner together, we are going to spend the evening gossiping about movie stars and complaining about our jobs. You know, the usual.

Heather Leigh

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

10 Things I Would Rather Do

Someone very near and dear to me is getting medical treatment tomorrow. So as not to embarrass him, I won't reveal who he is. I will only say that he has known me since the day I was born and may have been a part of the how I got into this world.

And, so as not to further embarrass him, or reveal any touchy, back area issues, I will only say that the treatment involves a camera at the end of a wire/tube thing that goes up a private area in the butt region.

I amaze myself in my discretionary ways.

So, in tactful surrender to what he will be dealing with, here is the top 10 things we would rather be doing than get a colonoscopy:

10. Playing horseshoes in the desert with metal horseshoes, exposed hands, and no water.

9.  Lying in the sand, on a tropical island, under a palm tree, and having a coconut land on my head. (Don't laugh--this is actually more common than being attacked by a shark! Maybe we should start a coconut awareness group)

8.  Passing gas in front of the President at a presidential dinner after I won a literary award. Could happen.

7.  Being on a crowded passenger airplane, traveling around the world, with all bathrooms out of order. Oh, I can smell it now--oh, wait, that was my dog.

6.  Being cornered by a flock of geese with no way out, while holding the last bag of Twinkies left on the planet.

5.  Sleeping on a bed of nails with one of those crazy yogis.  I'm just not trained for that!

4.  Listening to an out of tune violin being played by a beginner, while laying on the bed of nails (see number five).

3.  Eating Lima beans, cooked carrots, bell peppers, and my son's gummy worms every day for six months--every meal.

2.  Sending a sensual love note to my partner but having it get sent to an ex-boyfriend by mistake--like one I most sincerely dislike, and who still likes me.

and the big one of all time at number one is:

1. Pretty much anything.

Love you Dad!
Oops, did I let that slip?

Heather Leigh