Wednesday, August 13, 2014

10 Things I Would Rather Do

Someone very near and dear to me is getting medical treatment tomorrow. So as not to embarrass him, I won't reveal who he is. I will only say that he has known me since the day I was born and may have been a part of the how I got into this world.

And, so as not to further embarrass him, or reveal any touchy, back area issues, I will only say that the treatment involves a camera at the end of a wire/tube thing that goes up a private area in the butt region.

I amaze myself in my discretionary ways.

So, in tactful surrender to what he will be dealing with, here is the top 10 things we would rather be doing than get a colonoscopy:

10. Playing horseshoes in the desert with metal horseshoes, exposed hands, and no water.

9.  Lying in the sand, on a tropical island, under a palm tree, and having a coconut land on my head. (Don't laugh--this is actually more common than being attacked by a shark! Maybe we should start a coconut awareness group)

8.  Passing gas in front of the President at a presidential dinner after I won a literary award. Could happen.

7.  Being on a crowded passenger airplane, traveling around the world, with all bathrooms out of order. Oh, I can smell it now--oh, wait, that was my dog.

6.  Being cornered by a flock of geese with no way out, while holding the last bag of Twinkies left on the planet.

5.  Sleeping on a bed of nails with one of those crazy yogis.  I'm just not trained for that!

4.  Listening to an out of tune violin being played by a beginner, while laying on the bed of nails (see number five).

3.  Eating Lima beans, cooked carrots, bell peppers, and my son's gummy worms every day for six months--every meal.

2.  Sending a sensual love note to my partner but having it get sent to an ex-boyfriend by mistake--like one I most sincerely dislike, and who still likes me.

and the big one of all time at number one is:

1. Pretty much anything.

Love you Dad!
Oops, did I let that slip?

Heather Leigh

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