I have a vital need. I abhor cleaning my house, tidying my desk, and doing the dishes every freaking night. So, I have devised an extremely clever plan to do away with these offensive tasks. I am going to hire a house cleaner.
But, obviously, I need your help. By midnight, on whichever day you happen to be reading this, it is essential to universal peace and harmony that you buy at least one of my books. One hundred percent of profits will be directed to my aversion to being the cleaner. I will become the cleaned.
Won't you help me in my campaign?
It's a win-win. I get out of scrubbing, and you get a fabulous book. The bonus is that I will stop whining about having to sweep, mop or dust.
Hey, if everyone contributes, there will be money left over. I could buy something of yours. No promises on my part. I have to be smitten with what I buy. But if you sell chocolate covered sea salt caramels, well, you may just be a shoe-in to win.
As I have no experience in hiring outside cleaning help (my sons are an inside job), send your advise on how to get a good cleaner. Is there a place they hang out, waiting to be lucky enough to wipe a window? Shopping mall store with a legion of feather dusters lined up and ready to work?
Do they lurk in dark rooms, waiting do emerge like a ladybug from a chrysalis holding a mop bucket?
Have you ever experienced a professional cleaning in your own home? Is it scary? Do you get kicked out into the rain, sleet and snow wearing only a thin bathrobe as your home is turned from glop to gleaming?
Now, is this practice of hiring out something that neighbors view as gossip worthy, or could they care less? Will I be pointed at, snickered at, spit upon? Will they start to think of me as trash, worse than what the cleaner throws out from the kitty box? I'm guessing that at the very least, I will be scorned as the one who could not even wipe their own toilet seat.
And if I can't wipe my own seat, what else will I not be able to wipe? I could be on the verge of a total break down in morals. Next, it could be paying someone else to mow the lawn, vacuum out my car, taking out the weekly trash.
How many of you have stooped so low? Are you looking down at me with the virtuous air of someone who does all of their own cleaning? Uggh, please readers, give me guidance.
But really, my fear of cleaning far out paces the negative backlash that will inevitably come from hiring out for help. Yes, no matter how bad it gets, I need to stop wiping out my sink.
Please, help me. Fund my just cause. Buy a book.
Heather Leigh,
Horrible House Cleaner
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