I just finished a research study and here are my conclusions:
1. When wine is drunk in half servings, the recipient gets just as tipsy as if it had been full servings. Who knew? Totally unexpected.
2. Know matter how much of an emotional roller coaster your day was, wine puts the brakes on your ride. As long as you stop at several half servings (see #1), the evening will be much better.
3. The belief that chocolate covered caramels have a direct correlation to an increase in waist size is incorrect. It is your belief that makes this so--not the candy. This comes directly from the teachings of Jesus, Gandi, and Bacchus, the god of wine and good times.
These are all legit because:
1. I had a case research group consisting of one (that would be me, of course) and that is more than enough to prove any point.
2. It is on the internet, so it must be true.
3. I am a really, really, really smart scientific writer.
My current research study:
Is it better to drink Cabernet while making dinner, eating it, or after getting home from soaking in the gym jacuzzi? More study needed.
As I have recently discovered a preference to Pinot Noir, another study will soon be conducted with this wine. See number one and two of the conclusion list.
Whew, these studies are wearing me out. Guess I had better not go to Pilates tomorrow. It will be much better for my health if I go for pie and lattes instead.
In reading this over, I am amazed at the intensity and focus that I devote to ensuring that the reading public is served with honesty and accuracy. My college Science teacher would be so proud that I have gone beyond trying not to cheat to pass her tests, to being a fellow colleague. Yes, I have come a long way, baby.
The other thing that I need improvement on is my choice of co-workers. Today, I undertook my main assignment in life: to assist people in the art of laughter. My tools were a cupcake brought in by the manager, a cup of plums, paper and pen. While the manager was at lunch, I hid her cupcake in a very safe, incredibly mysterious area. In it's place, I placed a cup of plums and a note: HELP! I've been kidnapped and hidden in... (a description of the room would go here. Since you have never been in that room, no use describing it to you).
Any who, when the manager returned, one of my prank-killing co-workers asked her if she had seen the cupcake. She completely ruined the prank!!! Now the manager knew something was going on. Why was the co-worker not fired?! Or, at least tarred and feathered. Where is the justice in this world? Her actions are not Making America Great Again.
So what do I do now? I am obviously a scientific wonder with wine research, but am unable to find a way to severely punish prank-destroyers.
Guess I had better drink another glass of Pinot Noir and muse on what to do save my mischievous nature from being crushed by tattle-tellers.
Enjoyer of Wine and Pranks