Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Disgruntled Health Nut

I have had it up to here (over my head) with my teenage sons. Just as I was about to top my popcorn addiction with melted butter, one of those beasts informed me that melted coconut oil is not only healthier but tasty as well. I nearly flung the stove top popcorn maker at him. I should have.

Because in the past year, they have both been getting into the health scene. One day we are doing our monthly fast food restaurant visit, and the next they are concerned about the mere quarter cup of processed sugar in one soda. "All of that stuff is junk. It's bad for you," they whine. So there goes my excuse to pig out on grease laden fries and questionable sandwiches.

And exercise? Used to be I could get away with walking our dog around the block. I mean, if it's at a crisp pace, isn't that enough? But noooo. Now I get tethered into gym workouts. I thought I was going in for pie and lattes last month. Turns out I am now signed up for Pilates!!! Imagine my pains, enduring twice a week inner core body moves that the human body was not designed for.

When I try to get out of working out with them, I get eye rolling and guilt trips. What the fudge is going on here, people? Does my suffering know no bounds?

The only thing that saves me is the six daily hours they are in school. They are not home to witness my weekly nibbling of spice drops, the only good candy left in the United States. I know those spicy gelatin wonders are coated in crunchy, thick white sugar. That they are stuffed with corn syrup and hazardous food dye. That baby carrots are yummy, too, but won't wear down my liver. But, dangnabitt! What is the reason for being a hard working writer if I can't savor the wild side of unhealthy living? I have rights too, you know.

But I'll tell you one thing for certain. If they try and take Cabernet from me, I am not making any more tofu stir frys or organic butternut squash roasts. And forget camping trips because nature and sun are supposedly 'good' for you. There is only so much a woman can take.

I am so ruffled by this change forced onto my life style, that I refuse to tell my son that the coconut oil drizzled over the popcorn actually is yummier than butter. And you have better not tell him either! If you do, I will drag you down with me on a pilates-driven ship while we snack on edemame and avoid gluten.

Well, good night then. I have to get a decent sleep because proper sleep time is needed for mental alertness and better health. Yeah, I know. I've succumbed to their way of thinking. Despicable, miserable mother, just trying to make the most out of what life has hit me with.

Heather Leigh,
Coconut oil popcorn martyr

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