Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Pilates Pain Conspirators

Ever tried a Pilates class? As of this morning, I have. Funny thing about pilates. The true pain is discovered later. It's a tricky, sneaky snake of a beast.

The teacher said it was an intermediate class but that I looked fit enough to try it out. Wow, does he not ever know me. Maybe his glasses were broken. The word intermediate scared me, but I was too hyped up and ready to try this thing. I mean, after all, I had woken up at 7:30 to do this danged class. With that kind of sacrifice and commitment I was not about to leave. But then, lo and behold, I got through that 50 minutes with out a huge amount of discomfort. I actually followed through with just about every exercise.

But now here comes the funny part. The City Manager of our small town decided to re-pave just about every road in town TODAY: first time pilates day! There must have been some kind of special with the tar the road company. Every road I tried to turn down was blocked. The detour sent me to the other side of town. By the time I got home, it was too late.

My body was ruined. The aches and pains that avoided me in class had time to catch up with me on a drive home that took twice the usual time. I'm pretty sure this is part of the conspiracy theory that people whisper about. You know, the one about waiting for Heather to take an intermediate pilates class, set up road blocks to make her get home late, and then hit her like a girl scout cookie on diet days. You've heard of that theory, right?

So now I am stuck in this chair, writing for the rest of the day. Don't know if I'll even be able to get up and fix myself lunch. Perhaps the local vegan restaurant will deliver lunch to my home office desk.

Have you ever been attacked with a personal conspiracy theory aimed right at you? Up until this point, I had been skeptical they existed. But now that I've gone through one, I can tell you that they are out there. Lingering, stalking, watching your every move. Waiting until you were vulnerable and stupid enough to try out something new.

Well, you mean old conspirators, I will fight back. I will vow to never try another exercise class again. Wait, I'll go even farther. I'll just stop exercising altogether. That will set my revenge in place. HAH!

I don't even care if I put on fifty pounds and go for three chins. Anything I can do to prevent myself from being attacked, I am ready! And to seal the deal with myself, I'm going to eat a box of chocolate covered caramels. As soon as I can get up, of course.

Don't think yourself above such things as personal conspiracy theories. I did, and look what that got me. Join the campaign and quit all exercise and nutritious eating habits right away! Have donuts and soda for lunch. It's the only way to fight back. I'll be here, stuck in my chair, routing for you.

Good luck and may poor health be with you. And remember, there are others joining you in our cause. You are not alone!

Heather Leigh,
non-exercising Author

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