Monday, August 24, 2015

British Tea and Bumper Stickers

Now I will be the first to admit that there are many things which I do not understand. However, after reading a bumper sticker the other day, I got this one right off the bat. It read, "If you don't know the language, Go Home!" Good thing I got this. Otherwise I might have thought that this referred only to the people who didn't know English. Because since the local Yurok tribe was here way before the Europeans, this comment must be aimed at everyone who does not speak in their dialect.

And whoa! is this good news for me. Because now I get to go to England! I've always wanted to visit that place. I mean,  how much fun is it going to be to mess with those palace guards. I'm thinking that if I stage a faux fight between my teen aged sons, those guards will go so crazy, they will show finally some emotion: break down, and run away screaming. I mean, that's how I handle it.

After that, we're going to eat authentic fish and chips from the top of that humongous Ferris Wheel that you can see from outer space. And I've always wanted to buy a book from that Shop from that movie 'Notting Hill'. Wonder if Hugh Grant still owns it. He really is the cat's meow (that's U.S. slang for a really good looking person).

Think I could get lucky enough to meet my movie star crush, Alan Rickman? I just hope he doesn't wear his Snape professor cloak around the neighborhood. He was much more attractive in his turn of the century outfit in 'Sense and Sensibility' (best Romance book and movie EVER)!

I'll bet my boys will want to ride that underwater death claustrophobia-inducing traveling contraption that goes from England to France. I'll stay above ground and hope they make it back alive. Of course, they can't stay in France, because they don't speak the language.

The only real concern I have in this whole moving back to England after three hundred years away, is how that little island is going to hold all of the native English on it's shores. I mean, I don't really understand the mechanisms of how these things work, but it seems like that many people on one island would just sink it.

Maybe that's what happened to Atlantis. Everyone who spoke Atlantian and had left the island, all came back at once. They too would have all sunk the island. Wow, now returning to England has got me worried.

Geez Louis. I don't think the plan for us to return to England where we all speak the same language is going to work. Dang it. Perhaps if we all learn to speak the Yurok language, or whatever the dialogue was when us outsiders arrived, the original inhabitants will let us stay in the country. We can all promise to waste millions in their casinos. That might up the antie and convince them to let us back into the country.

So there goes my dream of moving back to England. But who knows. Maybe Alan Rickman will be buying a book at our local shop and he'll meet me, and be so enthralled with my humorous ways, that he'll invite me over for tea. It could happen.

Heather Leigh
The Understander of Bumper Stickers

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